The Love Story with a Narcissist

Just take your preventative medicine in time to avoid the scars.

It used to be that his fondness enveloped you with soft strokes and kisses on the ear.  Love stories can begin with kisses, but a narcissist’s version starts with a deceiving, almost-human mask, behind which he’s orchestrating the kill. 

He appears innocent and friendly, telling his sob story of betrayal by past partners, lovers that you later learn are victims.  A crazy few weeks of dating simply fly by.  Of course, he claims to have never experienced these feelings before.  The narcissist inhales your empathy and wrings out every drop of sympathy possible.  

All levels of intimacy at a narcissist’s speed come fast.  He weaves his words around you like an ever-tightening chain, fitting you into his soulmate. Narcissists never take an eye off their target, and you get a bit silly on his drinks and his charm that will soon become disgust. 

He seems quite possessive, and you begin to lose contact with family and friends.  You tell yourself that you rather like the isolation that has become your norm, even if it’s somewhat oppressive. 

Until the first salvo… 

It comes like a shot from nowhere.  You reel, seeming not to know what’s happening.  His mask seems askew.  This reality must be a misunderstanding.  You want to shake off his betrayal, minimize it, dismiss it as a sick joke. 

But the narcissist starts to mesh together all your past mistakes and your raw self-doubts, shaming you in public while extolling others whom he’s allowed into your relationship.  He creates your current false reality where you no longer hear your inner voice, and you doubt your own faculties.

His lack of remorse and sense of entitlement are astounding.  His lies and exploitation are blatant.  You feel as though everything is spiraling out of control. You deserve better.

Leave!  Swallow your medicine, and run; don’t walk! 

Otherwise, he’ll use a jackhammer on your self-esteem, your strengths, your talents, your personality, and your looks.  You are to blame for everything that happens.  A narcissist plays games and only wins.  Your head spins as he drops a compliment but with utter contempt. 

You’re always on guard, sad, and sensitive, as he mixes a small kindness with insults to keep you hopeful and coming back for more, as you’re addicted now.  His language can be either a bewildering knife to the heart or a much-needed bandage.  You can’t hear your thoughts; they’ve exited your head and heart. 

As Shahida Arabi has written:

“Defeat becomes your daily routine as he tests you more and more; harsh words become condescending put-downs; sarcastic jabs become full-fledged attacks; molehills become mountains and partnership becomes a power play.  It doesn’t matter how much you fight back because your defeat slyly settles in onto the sadistic smirk on his face.”

The Aftermath

Now he rips apart the wounds that he created; he attaches like a leech, living off your hurt and pain.  Lies produce more lies, until you no longer know what’s real.  When there’s no other bandages to pull off, the narcissist creates more gaping sores.  After your introduction to his rages, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you must protect yourself, …NOW.

Change all your locks and deadbolts, and stop answering the narcissist’s calls MOST of the time; tell him you must have been in the shower or out getting groceries.  Before you block his number, notify the police of your situation, and get a restraining order.  It’s safer to maintain a bit of communication so that you can monitor the narcissist’s whereabouts and plans.  Pick up all mail at a post office box.  Do not order takeout.

Do not frequent places where you have been with him, and only go out if you must.  When you feel you need to answer his call to avoid suspicion, speak light-heartedly; there’s nothing wrong.  However, if you sense that he may want to visit, use a much softer tone, telling him that you’re ill, with a fever and diarrhea, and do not want company.  Despite his intense pressure, don’t give in to ANYTHING.  Keep doors locked always.

You must quickly ensure that you have a safe place to which to escape for several days that the narcissist knows nothing of, hopefully with a friend who will understand what you’ve endured.  If that’s not feasible, visit relatives a distance away so that he cannot locate your car, or stay at a hotel.

Tell the narcissist that there’s been a death or serious illness in the family, and you must leave on a short trip.  Then secretly disappear quite suddenly, with no warning, when you have everything in place, in the proper sequence for your situation, without a trace left behind.  THEN, block his number.  He will lose his MIND.  You’ll be absent for the violent histrionics and screaming tantrums where lots of breakables are thrown against walls.  A narcissist cannot withstand ANY hint of rejection.

Unfortunately, the ending spawns the maximum harm and betrayal for lasting impact.  His stories fall apart; there was never any truth.  If a victim stays past her initial exposure to his narcissistic rages, a later escape will likely involve physical harm to her. 

The actual closure to this “love story” can only come from a deep, painful look within.  Nurture yourself back to being you, knowing that toxic narcissists leave behind a wake of brutally abused sufferers.  If the preventative medicine is taken at the first sign of deceit by the narcissist, male or female, the victim eludes serious psychological harm. 

Keep permanently severed all forms of contact in order to re-establish your identity and to know your reality.  You may want to get professional help soon. Don’t drown in his filthy pool of projection, gas-lighting, and cruelty so that he has no accountability for his merciless treatment; he wouldn’t have torn up your life so thoroughly if you weren’t the one winning.  You realized what he is: a mean, merciless monster.